“That’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.” – John Green
It’s okay to not be okay, I’m not okay right now and that’s okay.
Depression, it’s such a taboo word isn’t it? Something you shouldn’t talk about? All that stigma, and all of the negative opinions that people have about depression and people with depression. It’s definitely something you shouldn’t talk about isn’t it, because what would the neighbours and their friends say?!
Okay well today I’m going to talk about depression because I’m not okay right now and part of the reason I’m not okay is because I didn’t talk about it.
Depression has been a part of my life on and off for a long time now. I think part of the reason I’ve suffered so long with it is because I was never able to talk about it, any time I went and got help for it I was relentlessly criticised by people in my life saying things like “you shouldn’t be depressed” and “you think you’re depressed try living my life!” and various other comments.
I hate when people say things like that because it’s not like I chose to be depressed, just like I’m sure they didn’t choose to be ignoramuses, it’s just the hand life dealt me.
I recently moved away to a completely new area away from everything and everyone I had grown up with and when I moved something terrible happened. I had spent years supressing my depression to keep the people around me happy so that they wouldn’t make my depression worse by bullying me for having depression that when I was free of that environment, all of the depression I had been supressing hit me like a freight train and the realisation of my situation back home and everything I had been through just completely smashed me in the face and I’ve been struggling with depression again since then.
It’s really sad because moving away was supposed to be my fresh start in an amazing new life surrounded by the most amazing people and people that mean the absolute universe to me and it wasn’t because I was and still am plagued with all of the depression I have supressed for all of those years.
But I’m working on it now, for the first time ever I’m putting myself first, I have amazing people supporting me, I’m getting the help that I need, I’m actually talking about my problems with people and I’m no longer ashamed of that because it really is okay not to be okay and right now I’m not okay but I know that I will be.
I’m making a lot of positive changes in my life and I’m starting to feel really good as a result of that, I am completely transforming my life and it is a great feeling, and now one of the last things in my life that I want to change is my blog.
I feel it’s time to completely revamp and change my blog both in design and also in content, I want to completely change my blog to reflect the new and positive changes in my life because my blog is a huge part of my life and it is important that it changes and grows with me otherwise it is always going to be an anchor to the past and to the bad times.
Over the coming months you’re going to see me experimenting with new types of content and different things, I know that some of you may drop off and not be interested in the changes I’m making or the new direction I take my blog in and that’s okay, I thank you for your part in my journey whether this is the first post of mine that you’ve read or you’ve been a reader of mine for the last almost 11 years, I’m grateful that you took the time to read the things I wrote and I wish you all the best.
I’m going to start blogging again from January 1st and we’re going to have the best year yet next year, I am going to make sure of it! It really is time for me to let go of the past, to free myself from my depression and to just embrace life and all of its many wonders because that’s what it’s all about, enjoying every day because you never know which one might just be your last.
It wasn’t until I moved away that somebody took me by the hand and said that it’s okay to ask for help and it’s okay to talk about things and it’s okay to not be okay sometimes. Until that point I felt lost, lonely and helpless.
I wish now that I could take those of you who are reading this and suffering silently like I was by the hand in the manner in which he took mine and tell you all the same…
It’s okay to ask for help and it’s okay to talk about it all, talking really can help, don’t listen to the people who tell you that you shouldn’t be depressed or whatever else, if you know that you’re not okay then it’s time to put yourself first for a change and get the help that you need and deserve.
You are the only person that you can truly count on, you deserve the best in life and you have every right to put yourself first and get the help that you need.
Please know that I love you all,